The Boulder and the Guide

 "Carry this boulder over the mountain," they said. They gave me a guide to show me the way and I trudged along up the slopes and over the mountain, finally arriving on the other side, exhausted from the long trek, sore, a bit scarred, but with a sense of accomplishment. I did it!

Six months later, they told me, "You need to carry another boulder over the mountain." This new boulder was a little bigger, a little heavier, a little rougher. Remembering the challenges of my first experience I dreaded having to do it again. The journey I faced seemed so much harder the second time. But I had my guide to help along the way, right?

My guide directed me through the foothills, but then sent me to another to guide me. "He is taller and can see farther," my guide said. So I looked to the new guide. My new guide was indeed taller and could see farther. He described the path in detail and warned me of the pit falls and dangers along the way. I could see he had more experience and would guide me well. But in order for him to guide me, I would need to wear stilts as I continued my journey.

Stilts. I could probably learn to walk on stilts if I had to. But I don't want to. Climbing up the mountain with that huge boulder is daunting enough by itself! I turned to ask my original guide if he could guide me this second time as he had the first. Perhaps he couldn't see as far, but at least I wouldn't have the extra burden of the stilts. But when I turned to ask him, he wasn't there. "He will be back in just a week," they said. I can wait that long I guess.

Meanwhile I have a clock ticking in the back of my head. I want to get up and over the top of this mountain before a certain deadline. If I don't make it in time, it's not the end of the world, but it will add more pebbles and stones for me to carry on my trek.

So I stand here looking up at that looming peak, carrying that boulder in my arms. I'm tired already. I'm overwhelmed. I'm frustrated. I'm impatient. I'm discouraged. I wish I could wake up and find this was all a dream. But no. This is real life and there is no escape.

Since I last posted about the potential for another surgery to remove rogue lymph nodes on May 12th, I've had a biopsy, which showed that I do indeed have metastatic papillary thyroid carcinoma on the left side of my neck that wasn't there when I had a full body scan following my first surgery. 

Last week I went to see the new head and neck surgeon that I was referred to. He approved of all that my original surgeon had done and came to the same conclusion that I need to have another surgery to "clean out the left tracheoesophageal groove and do a lateral neck dissection", followed by more iodine radiation. He explained the risks, which include things like permanent low calcium, weakness of the vocal fold (my singing voice is already damaged), weakness or numbness in the lip, shoulder, tongue, earlobe, etc, and possible damage to the thoracic duct, which is something I didn't even know I had.

This surgeon has more experience and he's nice and he sounds like he knows what he is doing. I scheduled for him to do the surgery the first week in August, but the more I think about it the less comfortable I am with the idea. His hospital and office are in Highlands Ranch, which is at least a forty minute drive from my home when there isn't any traffic through Denver. I hate to drive through Denver. With the price of gas what it is ($4.89/gallon is about average at the moment) I hate the idea of having to travel that distance there and back, not just for the surgery itself but then to have the drain removed, and then to have the stitches removed, and then to make sure the incision is healing properly, and then follow up if there are any other complications from the risks he mentioned... Yes, I could do it if I had to, but I'd really rather not.

So I called my original surgeon's office this morning (the one whose office is only a 10 minute drive from my house) only to find out he is on vacation this week, but I have an appointment with him scheduled for next week where we can discuss the possibility of him doing the surgery after all. I'm really hoping he didn't refer me to the other doctor because he didn't feel comfortable doing it himself. But if he does agree to do it, then we'll have to schedule it with the hospital and who knows how far out that will end up being.

Seminary will start up in about 7 weeks, and I would love to have the surgery done and the drain out before then. I already know I'll have to find a sub for a week when I have the iodine radiation again, but I'd rather not take more time off than I have to. 

So yeah, I'm stressed out and tired and ready for this nightmare to be over.