What is My Contribution as a SAHM?
I read a blog this morning which was written by someone I don't know. She is a mother of three children, all under the age of four. She was wondering what her contribution was, or as I interpreted it, where was her source for a sense of accomplishment? She explained, when you go to school, you get your grades that tell you
how you are doing. When you go to work, you get a pay check, which shows
how you are doing. When you are volunteer for various causes, you can
say, "Hi, I'm fill in name here, and I do _______________." With her young children, she was a stay-at-home mom (SAHM), she was finding less time to volunteer, and she was wondering what her contribution to society was. She claimed that she was an incompetent housekeeper, that she doesn't cook great meals for her children - her children wouldn't eat them if she did. She couldn't even say she was helping to raise a great next generation; she felt like raising her children was a gamble, and she couldn't say how they would turn out.
In some ways, I can relate. When I went to school, I studied, I learned, and I received good grades. As a missionary, I set goals, I taught people, and I saw people change their lives and become baptized. When I had a job, I helped people figure things out, I met challenges, I impressed people, I earned a paycheck. I received feedback on how I was doing; it was easy to feel a sense of accomplishment. I felt appreciated. I was contributing to society and making the world a better place.
Then I started having kids.
As a stay-at-home mom, the rewards are often fewer and less rewarding. Most of what needs to be done is repetitive and mundane. Diapers are changed, books are read aloud, clutter is picked up, laundry is washed, meals are prepared, eaten, cleared away and forgotten. And an hour, three hours, maybe an entire day passes before everything has to be done all over again, like it hadn't ever been done before.
Life's pats on the back almost become vicarious - through the kids' accomplishments: Little Johnny took his first step! Joshua said his first word! Hannah skipped kindergarten! Peter was baptized! John received the Priesthood! As they get older, these rewards - these assurances that the kids are on the right track so I must be doing a good job - come farther apart.
As they begin school, the kids' progress reports and grades become my grades - how consistently have I reminded them to get their homework done? How vigorously have I tried to drill them in the multiplication table? How well have I encouraged my children to read?
How well the children do their chores and fulfill their responsibilities at home becomes a measure of how well I have taught them, encouraged them, and been consistent with them. At times, this seems like a slap on my wrist, a big 'D' on my mothering report card. It is hard to remember that they have their agency. They can choose to do the chores that have been assigned them and receive the rewards that are connected, or they can choose to ignore them and suffer the consequences that are attached - my job was assigning the chores, teaching them how to do them, attaching the rewards and consequences. Where is my reward or sense of accomplishment for kids who are determined not to do their chores, and bored out of their minds because they can't do the fun things they want to do because their chores aren't done?
Seeking for acceptance, assurance, for a sense of accomplishment, just to feel appreciated, I sometimes seek beyond just taking care of the home and the kids. I have volunteered at the kids' schools. I serve in church callings. I've develop hobbies like blogging, Photoshopping and jewelry making. Some people go back to school or get jobs. The rewards seem greater for things done outside the home, than for the routine, mundane things done at home. And yet, LDS President David O. McKay said, "No other success will compensate for failure in the home." I know where my focus should be, and I have to make sure that my home and family aren't neglected because of my other interests.
Am I making a contribution? I think I am. I think that someday my children will serve missions, get married in the temple, graduate from college, and become productive, responsible members of society. I get frustrated frequently when the rewards seem few and far between, when I don't feel like I'm accomplishing much, and I don't feel appreciated for what I do accomplish, but I trust that someday those rewards will come.
In some ways, I can relate. When I went to school, I studied, I learned, and I received good grades. As a missionary, I set goals, I taught people, and I saw people change their lives and become baptized. When I had a job, I helped people figure things out, I met challenges, I impressed people, I earned a paycheck. I received feedback on how I was doing; it was easy to feel a sense of accomplishment. I felt appreciated. I was contributing to society and making the world a better place.
Then I started having kids.
As a stay-at-home mom, the rewards are often fewer and less rewarding. Most of what needs to be done is repetitive and mundane. Diapers are changed, books are read aloud, clutter is picked up, laundry is washed, meals are prepared, eaten, cleared away and forgotten. And an hour, three hours, maybe an entire day passes before everything has to be done all over again, like it hadn't ever been done before.
Life's pats on the back almost become vicarious - through the kids' accomplishments: Little Johnny took his first step! Joshua said his first word! Hannah skipped kindergarten! Peter was baptized! John received the Priesthood! As they get older, these rewards - these assurances that the kids are on the right track so I must be doing a good job - come farther apart.
As they begin school, the kids' progress reports and grades become my grades - how consistently have I reminded them to get their homework done? How vigorously have I tried to drill them in the multiplication table? How well have I encouraged my children to read?
How well the children do their chores and fulfill their responsibilities at home becomes a measure of how well I have taught them, encouraged them, and been consistent with them. At times, this seems like a slap on my wrist, a big 'D' on my mothering report card. It is hard to remember that they have their agency. They can choose to do the chores that have been assigned them and receive the rewards that are connected, or they can choose to ignore them and suffer the consequences that are attached - my job was assigning the chores, teaching them how to do them, attaching the rewards and consequences. Where is my reward or sense of accomplishment for kids who are determined not to do their chores, and bored out of their minds because they can't do the fun things they want to do because their chores aren't done?
Seeking for acceptance, assurance, for a sense of accomplishment, just to feel appreciated, I sometimes seek beyond just taking care of the home and the kids. I have volunteered at the kids' schools. I serve in church callings. I've develop hobbies like blogging, Photoshopping and jewelry making. Some people go back to school or get jobs. The rewards seem greater for things done outside the home, than for the routine, mundane things done at home. And yet, LDS President David O. McKay said, "No other success will compensate for failure in the home." I know where my focus should be, and I have to make sure that my home and family aren't neglected because of my other interests.
Am I making a contribution? I think I am. I think that someday my children will serve missions, get married in the temple, graduate from college, and become productive, responsible members of society. I get frustrated frequently when the rewards seem few and far between, when I don't feel like I'm accomplishing much, and I don't feel appreciated for what I do accomplish, but I trust that someday those rewards will come.
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